Sweet Dreams

I had a dream last night that has been haunting me all day. I dreamed of my two step brothers, that I have not seen in almost 30 years.
I have 5 brothers - step, adopted and 'real.' Sadly, I am estranged from two and two are MIA. Well, somebody knows where they are, just not me.
My parents ( I have lots of those too, step all over the place) are gone - deceased or otherwise out of my life. Now before you go thinking that I am the reason for all of the family drama, let me tell you this - my siblings are also on the outs with the surviving parental units. Except for one, and honestly, I wonder why he isn't.
Anyway, my brothers moved out of the province when I was still in grade school, and I never had a chance to say goodbye. They were just gone one day.
In my dream, my eldest brother was living in Scotland and we were catching up on the phone. This has me wondering if there is any truth to this. Perhaps my dream was a revelation of some kind?
Not likely.
But you never know.

Bah

Miss Molly did not make it to the dance. To be honest, I was having a hard time with the budget anyway - I had no idea how I was going to manage to get her a dress. I would have though, one way or another...
Anyway, her boyfriend got into some trouble at school and the school took away his tickets. She is hiding her disappointment well, but I know that she is beyond bummed out.
We did spend the afternoon together, which was nice. I seldom have all three of my girls in the same place at the same time, so today I took them with me to the mall. Of course. this one is mad at that one and that one is still not speaking to the other. Sigh. I thought that they would outgrow this, but apparently not.
I did buy some bling for Lizzie for her birthday which is less than a week away. I hope that she loves it, but her taste is eclectic, to say the least.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Better Day

I feel so much better today. Tempers always seem to flair in the cold winter months when we are stuck indoors for the long dark days. I don't know why I romanticize holidays like I do. I always seem to expect the day to be magical in some way. Of course, that what Valentine's Day is all about, but in reality, it is just another day.

I have decided to cut Hubby - and myself - some slack. A bad day is just a that - a bad day. It shouldn't mean more because a card company tells us to buy hearts and flowers. I love him everyday, no more or less on February 14th.

Our youngest daughter is going to her first semi formal this week. I don't know who is more excited - me, or her. Lol. I actually get to take her dress shopping, without the sulking and protests that usually accompany a trip to the mall with her. I get it - she is 15 and hanging at the mall with Mom is so uncool.

This outing will be different though. Molly already has a dress picked out and wants to try it on - with me! That never happens. Molly is my sweet lil tomboy. I can't even remember the last time that she wore a dress....Her grade 8 graduation two years ago, I think.

Is is lame of me to be too excited to sleep??

Valentines Day 2010

Hmm, where to start? I feel as though I want, I need to pour out my heart and soul, I am drowning, it seems, and there is no life preserver in sight.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I love and adore him - most of the time. He cooks for me, rubs my feet, and after 10 years still looks at me with teenage lust.

The problem?

He is mean. When something ticks him off (and there are quite a few things that do) he can become enraged in milliseconds. He is like a raging bull, with hatred and tunnel vision. He would never hit me, but the words that uses are just as devastating.

He will lash out at anyone that happens by when he is in a mood - our daughters, sons in law, the freaking dog or cat. His anger is like a snow ball, rolling down a hill and becoming an avalanche.

Today, he went out to pick up a few groceries and to buy me some chocolate for Valentine's Day. I stayed home, to clean up, do laundry, bottle feed a sick kitten.

Simon comes home and accidentally puts his grocery bag on a hot burner on the stove. Milk exploded everywhere and I had to snatch the sugar away before we had an even bigger disaster on our hands.
Thing is, I really wasn't upset. I mean, whatever. Don't cry over spilled milk, right?
Simon flies into a rage, screaming at me, our daughter Lizzie, just plain freaking out. The next thing that I know, I am being screamed at, and Simon is telling me that next time I can go out and get the food and 'get off of my ass.'

I remained as composed as I possibly could, but I went into the bedroom and collapsed into tears.
Wha?

There is no need for that I am just plain tired of the meanness.

Does he see that he hurting me? Does he see the pain? Does he see that Valentines Day is ruined for me? I asked for nothing, I just wanted to spend time with him.

And now?

I was in bed for a couple of hours, to avoid him, now he is doing the same.

My chest feels tight and I just want it to stop.....

How ?? How do I make see the damage that he causes when he is mean and insulting? What can I do?

I love my husband and I am not going to leave him. The problem is that I have no idea how I will live with him, either.